Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
...so i touched it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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