I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
