He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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