did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just tell him i said nine months
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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