The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
