WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize