he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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