Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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