I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
