I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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