Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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