my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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