Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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