when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
