I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
