Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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