I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
