Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize