He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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