first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
