if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
