i permit you to call me
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
