You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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