at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
