Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
