My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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