If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
