I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
