Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
