A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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