ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
