I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
