True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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