Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need a beard to bite.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
