yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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