I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
