she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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