i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
