Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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