I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
