I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
