He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
