I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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