i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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