I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
