he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize