my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I got inside last night via doggy door
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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