I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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