she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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