he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
