I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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