It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
