Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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