Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize