I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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