you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
