The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
